My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
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[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
What an awful time to have common sense.
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals