Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
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The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
🤣✨#caturday
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.