Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
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Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
how was your vacation
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video