Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
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Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
When potatoes get eyes, do they start watching you? If so, we should call those ones spec-taters
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.