I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
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WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.