Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
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Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun