amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
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“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.