[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
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HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
That stupid look on my face, is my face
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”