It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
You Might Also Like
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?