You Might Also Like
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?