Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
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Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.