You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
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Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no