me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
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Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
concern
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.