You Might Also Like
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
i hope my email finds you on fire
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.