My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
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Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.