Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
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America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
Never go to sleep after making me angry
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.