My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
You Might Also Like
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
Basketball games are very squeaky.
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.