[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
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“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
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{__/} /
( • – •) /
(__)
/Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble