frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
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Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
Current mood: Potato
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
Merry Christmas
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.