call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
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It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
this has done me in for some reason
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
somebody come look at this
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.