What the hell happened here.
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judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.