When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
You Might Also Like
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.