Mad Max: Furry Road
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My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
If you want my opinion ask my wife
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.