WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
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Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.