Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
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Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
My birthstone is a marshmallow.