me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
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spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
12. I think about this all the damn time
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
At an art museum and I thought this was art
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.