Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
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When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.