When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
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An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
BRO LMFAO
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs