nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
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Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
Golf would be better with landmines.
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA