I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
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Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
idk what he going thru but i feel him
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.