BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
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“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
Okay me first
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers