I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
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The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
I am all good here, 😂😉
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.