[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
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In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
The cashier just checked me out.
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃