Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
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Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are