Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
You Might Also Like
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
britain’s three elite institutions
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
January is lasting longer than my marriage
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
Before & after 😅
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
No. YOU-buprofen.
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.