Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
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Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
Harsh but fair
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
That’s easy for you to say
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch