I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
You Might Also Like
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
“There’s no butter left”
“I don’t understand”
“I turned it into ghee”
“OK, thanks for clarifying”
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
Butt weight. There’s more!
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.