OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
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Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
When I grow up, I want to be 16
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.