i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
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guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.