According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
You Might Also Like
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
technically true but not a great slogan
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.