judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
You Might Also Like
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”