Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
You Might Also Like
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
I wish I could veto my bills.
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
Worst bar ever.
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
at ease…shoulder.