[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
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Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
“what’s it like having a sister?”
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
The way time stretches between the moment you put your hands under the air dryer and the realisation it is in fact a paper towel dispenser.
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.