driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
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Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew ✔
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
PhewThe Chosen Phew
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too