“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
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“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
Is your wife single?
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
when someone rings the doorbell
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
m
e
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How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care