UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
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I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?