“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
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*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!