[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
You Might Also Like
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”