Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
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Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”