If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
You Might Also Like
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
This will never not be funny to me.
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream